Time Continues On...

Today my friend Jenny would have been 33 years old. She has been gone now for almost 16 years. Being her friend and having her pass on at such a young age had a profound effect on my life.

She and I were typical friends sometimes we were closer than others. We always checked up on each other and knew we had each others back. Towards the end of her life we had become close again. We talked on the phone more and just started to have a ton of fun together. I will forever be thankful we were good at that time.

My father was called when Jen was in her accident because he was her family's home teacher. So I went went with my Dad and Patriarch Hawkes to the hospital. We had no idea how bad things were and really I felt like we were going to see her all banged up. Unfortunately things were much more severe and the doctors didn't think she was going to make it.

I remember thinking that couldn't be right, I had just talked to her a few hours before. We were going to go to the school talent show for heavens sake. I walked aimlessly in the hospital and asked if I could use a phone. I don't even know whose phone I was on but I started to dial any number that came to mind because I just knew if my friends and I all prayed Jen would be fine.

Eventually my Dad talked me onto going home and I sat and waited by the phone at my house knowing she would be ok. When I received the call that she had passed on, I remember sobbing and not wanting my parents to try and comfort me. I actually got into the car and drove to be with my friends. Every one of Jens friends from church ended up together and we just cried. How could this be?

Going to her funeral was bitter sweet. As I looked at my friend for the last time I realized that it really wasn't her. Jen was gone. My heart really hurt and I didn't know how I was supposed to deal with this loss. What was the right thing to do next?

At school they had some lame counselor try to talk to us and all that did was make me mad. This person didn't know Jen and really I wasn't in the mood to hear what she had to say. I wasn't able to sleep or eat and I was numb.

My parents later confessed that they were really worried about me and wondered what they could do to help me continue to live. I really don't remember a lot about the next few months because I don't think I was connected to anyone or anything.

One night I was laying in my bed thinking about Jen and wondering why Heavenly Father didn't listen to our prayers. I am not sure if I fell asleep or not but I did have a dream. In this dream Jen and I were walking and talking like old times. We were laughing and all was good. Sometime later I remembered that she had died and I didn't want to lose her again. She said it was time for her to go and I started to sob and asked her to please stay with me. She smiled and said she was alright, she had things to do and so did I.

At that point I sat up straight in my bed and was crying. When I opened my eyes I saw a light only for a second or two and then it was gone. My body filled up with the warmest feeling and I was able from that point on to sleep.

I know because of this experience I changed the path that my life was on. I feel very blessed that I was able to go through this. At the time I was lost but because of the gospel I have been able to move forward.

I still miss her terribly and wonder what she would be doing in her life right now. I have days where I cry because I miss my friend. But time continues on....and life is good.

It has finally happened...I have been tagged...

10 Years Ago I Was: living in Paraiso, Guatemala as a missionary. I think by this point I was starting to panic knowing I was getting closer to coming home and having life whack me in the face. I loved being a missionary and knowing what I had to do every day. Good times!!!

5 Things On My To Do List Today: Ummmmmmmm
Shower
do laundry
watch my friends kids
exercise
organize my important paper pile

If I Were A Billionaire I would:
Donate to Shriners And Primary Childrens
Travel with family and friends
Buy a reliable car
Play
Play
oh yeah Play
invest
pay off bills
send my parents to Australia

3 Bad Habits:
Bite my nails
stay up too late
procrastinate

5 Places I Have Lived:
Martinez, CA
Price, UT
Concord, CA
Guatemala
Utah Valley

Jobs I Have Had:

babysitter
made fish aquariums out of bubble gum machines
Payless Shoes
Barrista
Special Ed. Assistant
Title I Tech
Shopko Service Desk
Im not sure what to call myself now, I do many odd jobs for many different people

Things Most People Don't Know About Me:

I hate clowns
I have fallen out of a moving vehicle twice and needed stitches both times
I had a pet chicken on my mission named Spicy
I've had a monkey throw poop at me
I may have many Saved By The Bell episodes memorized

Thanks Jen!!!

Drew

I love him!! This is my cousin Drew. He is now 12. Crazy!!! He lights up the room and only knows how to show pure love. I am so glad he is in my family.

Why?

My parents talked with family about possibly being a foster family when I was 16. We talked about what that would mean and what "sacrifices" we would have to make. The sacrifices being that we would have to bring in new rules to the home that we all had to follow so that the "foster" kids wouldn't feel like they didn't belong. We all were very excited about it and as a family came to the conclusion that we wanted to do it.

Well we ended up getting two little boys. They are biological brothers and had a really horrible home life. At the time they came to live with us they were 2 and 3 years old. It was so much fun having little kids around again and we couldn't wait for them to have Christmas with us and to really feel like they were part of us. My parents had decided that if we indeed did this , we would do long term because it would hurt too much to have to give the kids back.

The 3 year old was always taking care of the younger one, making sure he had food, and that he had everything he could possibly need. I remember watching that and thinking how sad it was that he just didn't know how to be a kid.

As time went on they started to be more care free. They started calling my parents mom and dad. We referred to them as our little brothers. It was great. We definitely had our ups and downs with them and they had some counseling, but over all they seemed to be doing well.

Both boys decided that they wanted to be baptized and they were able to get permission from their Dad. So at the age of eight they were both baptized and confirmed. It was so cool. Their biological father had commented on how the boys were lucky to be in such a good and stable home.

Well the teen age years were trying as they are with all teenagers. Because their dad was still in the picture my parents had to wait until the boys turned 18 to see if they wanted to be adopted. The oldest boy whom we had, had the most trouble with didn't even think twice about being adopted. He said yes, was adopted and then sealed to my family. He is now on a mission and doing great.

The second boy however has broken my family's heart. He said he didn't want to be adopted and that he wanted nothing to do with the church. Ouch. I have really tried to stay neutral and let him no that I love him no matter what. However he is so cruel to my parents. It is such a horrible feeling knowing that he doesn't want to be with us and that he wants to live in away that is against everything he was taught.

I keep trying to be positive for my family about how this will all turn out, but it is so hard. I want to cry and scream at the same time. I guess really this is maybe a minuscule part of what our Heavenly Father must feel as he watches his children destroy themselves.

Gross!!

Well as many of you know, I served my mission in Guatemala. So heres the deal, my digestive system hasn't recoverd and it has been many years since I was there, before they had meds to take before during and after. I have been to many doctors and told that everything is fine and to that I say huh? I should have taken stock in Immodium AD.

I was in a health food place and decided to try taking black walnut and cloves to see if my little or not so little parasidic friends would decide to leave me alone. A friend of mine did this and it worked out great for him, so here I go.

First of all it was very expensive so I knew I was going to have to really commit to this 100 %. Holy moses I had no idea how horrible the black walnut drops really are. I have to put 2 droppers in a glass of water 3 times a day for 3 weeks. I have almost not been able to keep it down numerous times. The clove pills smell good and aren't too bad but the drops are killing me, or at least killing my little friends.

If I was getting skinny from having the parasites I met have a better attitude towards them but alas I am not. Anyhow does anybody have a suggestion how I can take this stuff without wanted to gag?

What The?!?

Well folks a few days ago I did something that I feel I need to confess. So being that I only have a few readers I feel the need to confess this all to you. I paid good money to go to the theater and I saw the new Veggie Tales movie. Gasp horror shock---I know!!! We looked at the movies and told everyone what was playing and well lets say the children won the vote. I'm not sure how it happened but we really didn't want to see it. My cousins kids were quiet as we drove to the theater and when we got there I thought we had decided to see another movie, I probably would have to confess about that one too so I will not name the movie.

I kid you not when we got to the ticket counter I was looking at the transvestite who was selling the tickets and I was distracted ok I admit it. (I think if yo are a man dressing as a woman you should at least make sure you have shaved your face.) Anyhow I slowly started to speak and I said we need 8 tickets for.....I froze, I think I was still stuck on the facial hair of Bridgette the man/woman. Then it happened the 4 year old busted out and said we want to see the veggie tales movie. Next thing I knew I had veggie tale tickets in my hand. Really at that moment I thought about how I had been raised in the Bay Area and had seen all kinds of people, I need to go back I think. Wow it was as if the children had planned this out and I lost.

We ended up seeing The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. Overall It was ok I have seen worse. My only real complaint it why in the heck don't these characted have arms? I know they are vegetables, but hello they have faces, talk, sing, etc, why no arms. They had to sword fight, but they had no arms. Just wondering why they forgot to draw arms for these vegetables.

So yes my name is Julie and I am a closeted veggie tales watcher. Phew I feel much better confessing that to you all.

Balance.

Balance is such an important concept to understand. Why is it that it is so hard to have? Really if you look at the world there is an opposite to everything and in a sense creating some sort of balance. Light needs dark and dark needs light. One cannot exist without the other. So if the universe has it and it is a necessary part of life, why do i struggle with it like I do?