Today my friend Jenny would have been 33 years old. She has been gone now for almost 16 years. Being her friend and having her pass on at such a young age had a profound effect on my life.
She and I were typical friends sometimes we were closer than others. We always checked up on each other and knew we had each others back. Towards the end of her life we had become close again. We talked on the phone more and just started to have a ton of fun together. I will forever be thankful we were good at that time.
My father was called when Jen was in her accident because he was her family's home teacher. So I went went with my Dad and Patriarch Hawkes to the hospital. We had no idea how bad things were and really I felt like we were going to see her all banged up. Unfortunately things were much more severe and the doctors didn't think she was going to make it.
I remember thinking that couldn't be right, I had just talked to her a few hours before. We were going to go to the school talent show for heavens sake. I walked aimlessly in the hospital and asked if I could use a phone. I don't even know whose phone I was on but I started to dial any number that came to mind because I just knew if my friends and I all prayed Jen would be fine.
Eventually my Dad talked me onto going home and I sat and waited by the phone at my house knowing she would be ok. When I received the call that she had passed on, I remember sobbing and not wanting my parents to try and comfort me. I actually got into the car and drove to be with my friends. Every one of Jens friends from church ended up together and we just cried. How could this be?
Going to her funeral was bitter sweet. As I looked at my friend for the last time I realized that it really wasn't her. Jen was gone. My heart really hurt and I didn't know how I was supposed to deal with this loss. What was the right thing to do next?
At school they had some lame counselor try to talk to us and all that did was make me mad. This person didn't know Jen and really I wasn't in the mood to hear what she had to say. I wasn't able to sleep or eat and I was numb.
My parents later confessed that they were really worried about me and wondered what they could do to help me continue to live. I really don't remember a lot about the next few months because I don't think I was connected to anyone or anything.
One night I was laying in my bed thinking about Jen and wondering why Heavenly Father didn't listen to our prayers. I am not sure if I fell asleep or not but I did have a dream. In this dream Jen and I were walking and talking like old times. We were laughing and all was good. Sometime later I remembered that she had died and I didn't want to lose her again. She said it was time for her to go and I started to sob and asked her to please stay with me. She smiled and said she was alright, she had things to do and so did I.
At that point I sat up straight in my bed and was crying. When I opened my eyes I saw a light only for a second or two and then it was gone. My body filled up with the warmest feeling and I was able from that point on to sleep.
I know because of this experience I changed the path that my life was on. I feel very blessed that I was able to go through this. At the time I was lost but because of the gospel I have been able to move forward.
I still miss her terribly and wonder what she would be doing in her life right now. I have days where I cry because I miss my friend. But time continues on....and life is good.
6 comments:
thanks for sharing. I am so glad that Jenny had such good friends. She really did have other things to do...it was her time. The memories are great, aren't they? I'm glad we have reconnected.
my first comment from you!! hooray! I had no Idea you had your own blog! thanks for sharing this sweet post- I can't imagine. I hope you are doing so well! love hillary
Thanks, Julie. I knew Jenny had good friends, but I had no way of knowing the after effects of her death. I'm so glad things turned out so well for you. There actually was a girl who someone told me just never was the same. I'm sure Jenny's death was just the straw that broke the camel's back for her. She was already fragile. I hope she's well now.
I was just reading Lisa's blog about Jenny. It is so weird because in a way it seems like a lifetime ago and in a different way it seems impossible that is been 16 years! Anyway, this was so nice what you wrote about her. She is missed!
Jeanette again...
I'm not a person of faith, but I do believe in God, and I believe that God in tandem with those that we love give us the gift of dreams to give us peace. Although my friend just passed on the other day, I had a dream about him that night that stopped me from crying and I was able to see that he was free and he was happy. We will never know until we too pass why it is that people are taken from us... some early and some very late, but we can be comforted in the fact that there is peace in death that we cannot achieve in life. That missing people is ok, and that we share our hearts with those we love, and when they go, they take that with them. If there is anything that I have learned after losing so many people in my life, it is that we need to cherish our time here, love big, hug often, because we never know when it might end.
Julie,
I am right there with you. My best friend/brother Jeremy Black has been gone now 13 yrs and what a great opportunity we have had to know such people that blessed our lives while they were with us in Mortality and still watch over us in Paradise. I am grateful that our Heavenly Father cares enough for us that he allows us to have that kind of experience here and then in the Eternities as well. I am glad that there is a kindred spirit that knows what I have been through as well. By the way, Good to see that you are so happy. You always were one of my favorite people from Price!!!
Jeremy Pace
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